Some relationship conflict is inevitable

Every couple is going to experience conflict at some point in their relationship. However, the conflict doesn't have to lead to a breakup. Couples can learn how to resolve conflict and save their relationship. Start by understanding how conflict affects each of you.

Intuitively we know that men and women react differently to conflict. Now there is scientific proof.

A study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health looked at couples between the ages of 18 and 21 who had been together at least two months (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 90 No. 4, April 2006). The couples filled out questionnaires designed to discover the following:

• Whether they avoided intimacy, and if so, how intensely.
• Whether they were afraid of being dependent on their partner.
• How anxious they felt about being rejected or abandoned.

The questionnaires were evaluated and the participants rated based on their level of fear (anxiety) and how hard they worked to avoid the fear (avoidance).

Physical reactions were checked, as well. Researchers used cortisol levels to measure the participants' physiological discomfort. They took baseline measurements, then asked the couples to discuss a highly-charged emotional issue that had caused unresolved conflict in the past month. Additional cortisol levels were taken during the discussion and during a 40-minute recovery period.

The participants fell into four major groups.

• "Secure", with low levels of anxiety and avoidance
• "Anxious-ambivalent", with high levels of anxiety and low levels of avoidance
• "Fearful-avoidant", with high levels of anxiety and high levels of avoidance
• "Dismissing-avoidant", with low levels of anxiety and high levels of avoidance

Men and women showed significant differences. The researchers found that men showed greater physiological reactions to relationship conflict-- raised cortisol levels -- than women. While most men exhibited the increase, only the most avoidant women showed any real changes.

Understanding the differences can help couples learn how to resolve conflict. Why would relationship conflict cause men to exhibit more anxiety than women?

The anxiety may be related to expectations. Psychologically, women are the ones expected to be actively working to get the situation resolved. Most women are more likely to initiate a conversation to try to resolve relationship conflict. Generally only the women in the more avoidant groups ("fearful-avoidant" and "dismissing-avoidant") showed increased cortisol levels during the conflict.

Men, however, are expected to be more passive in relationship conflict resolution. While there was evidence that they, too, wanted the conflict to be resolved, they weren't eager to confront the issue head on. Their cortisol levels increased during the discussion, indicating psysiological discomfort.

It was interesting that those men who had female partners who fell into the "secure" group showed lower levels of anxiety. Women showed no change in their levels of anxiety whether or not their male counterpart fell into the "secure" group.

How to resolve conflict? Understand your role

Relationship conflict is a normal part of being together. Couples can resolve it more easily by understanding their expectations. Each of you responds to the conflict in different ways. Try to be more accepting of the other person's responses.

Women can help resolve relationship conflict by accepting the role of peacemaker and initiating the discussion. Understand that your man isn't ignoring you because he doesn't care - he is probably experiencing changes in cortisol levels that make him uncomfortable. If you remain calm and loving, showing him your "secure" side, you can help him stay present and get the conflict resolved.

Men, understand that you don't have to respond to your discomfort by escalating into an argument or leaving the discussion. You can accept that your body is probably just manufacturing higher cortisol levels. Take deep breaths, stay calm, and stay present to the discussion. You'll both be happier when the conflict is resolved.

Every couple will have arguments from time to time. If you can accept that the other person has different physiological responses to the relationship conflict, then resolving it will be much easier.